June 21, 2011

Stuck in the Middle

We spent Father's Day back in TX with our families and it was actually nice. I didn't spend every moment thinking about how we weren't celebrating C but it did cross my mind throughout the day. I avoided FB as much as I could but still managed to see posts that made me sad. I can't wait for the day I can be gushy about what a wonderful father C is and I know he will be. He'll be fantastic and our child will be very lucky to have him.

I want so badly to have our child, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Sometimes I think we should go ahead and schedule the IVF. Then my Dad will have a bad day and my Mom will freak out and the doctors will scare us and all IVF thoughts fly out the window. I can't imagine going through IVF right now but I so badly want to. It's been interesting to experience the shift and change in my feelings about IF. We've been traveling down this road for 3 years and 2 months with not a single treatment under our belt and with no idea when we will get to cycle. I feel like a half-infertile, like I don't really belong in the IF world, at least not completely. But I sure as hell don't belong in the land of the fertiles either.

Adding to my interesting feelings, is how much I flip between being over the bitterness and having it surprise me at odd moments. I'm fine with the baby section at the store but I still don't want to sit with a group of women talking about labor and baby milestones. I can host a baby shower but please don't make me ohh and ahh over cute, tiny clothing over and over. I finally know my limits and have no problem enforcing them, which was something I struggled with for a long time. I also can't think/talk/read/obsess over IF anymore, which has made me avoid my blog and the IF message board I like. I just have no desire to be around all IF, all the time, right now. I know that will change once we actually cycle but in the mean time, I avoid it. I don't even like talking about it to friends and family. C and I mention it occasionally but nothing like it was, it's nice but weird.

So, here we sit, stuck in the middle and not happy about it but not crying either. It's a strange place to be but we're here and making the best of it. It's been a hellish few months and I just want to get through the rest of the Summer without losing another family member and without any major setbacks to my Dad's health. I'm ready for good health and happiness.

1 comment:

  1. I know how you feel ..... I feel sort of in the middle as well ...... we're preparing for adoption, but we haven't even contacted the agency for our home study yet. I've been blogging less as well because I want to focus more on what I do have that what I don't have.