Some honesty

I've struggled with writing this post for some time now. It's just so personal and so painful and you wouldn't think it would be since I have this blog and share my life with strangers but I am actually a fairly private person. I know a lot about my friends but they only know small glimpses of my life bc I rather not share too much. I am the master at letting people think they know me while keeping my feelings private. I joke a lot about sex and make inappropriate comments frequently but I don't get too deep with anybody. I like to protect my heart by not revealing too much of it. And sometimes this tumbles over into my marriage and causes problems.

When I am hurting, I just completely shut down and close into myself. I push everyone away, including C...well, mostly C. I just become too overwhelmed with it all and can only find solace in myself. The infertility didn't have this effect on me but all of this cancer shit with my Dad has just brought me to my knees. I simply cannot do anything to lessen this pain; a constant pain and fear that rages and whispers and is never silent. He's sick, he has stage 3 colon cancer and the prognosis isn't great. I am going to lose him, it's just a matter of when. This is something I just really can't process, my mind rejects it and my heart denies it.

So, my way of coping is pushing C away and straining our marriage. Aren't I just a fucking genius? During my recent long visit to TX, I just made up my mind to finally tell C just how unhappy I was. And to my shock, he responded the exact same way. We were both utterly miserable. This led to several very long talks about what to do about it. He flew to Houston at the end of my visit to see our families and drive back with me and on that 8 hour drive, we cried and talked quietly about walking away. There was no yelling, no name calling, no big blow up. We talked about just how incredibly hard it is to live with infertility and how much damage the initial diagnoses did to us. We talked about how it changed us individually and as a couple. We talked about what my Dad's illness has done to me, to us. How we have just had one hit after another to endure. We talked about if we wanted to stay married to a person who has changed so much. Sometimes it just hurts too much.

I love C desperately, he is my best friend in the whole world. He is the only person on this planet that makes me feel like me. He is my home, my heart, my harbor. I was praying during the whole drive that he still felt that way about me. I can't tell you how happy my heart was when he turned to me and told me he loved me and that we were worth fighting for. Once we both talked out all the hurt and pain, we just knew that we have no choice but to right the wrongs and make us stronger. We have been through a lot and it's just so easy to wallow in it and let it overtake us. But that is such a weak, lame move. We are stronger than this, we can get through this and it won't be easy but we're ok with that.

In the (almost) 12 years of us, we thought we had built a strong foundation and while I think it still is, infertility and a parent's illness showed us the weak spots. Now we are working on us and it feels right. The bad is still there and it's going to get worse, I know my darkest days lie ahead with actually losing my Dad. I also know that losing him will forever change me and that I'll live with some degree of grief for the rest of my life. I don't like thinking about it but I know that I have C to lean on. I know we can face that together. My life will go on and the best way to honor my Dad will be to live it to the fullest and to love with all my heart.

I also know that IVF lies ahead of us but whether it is a success or a failure, the ending won't change. The ending has already been determined. We will be parents, regardless.