May 10, 2012

spiraling downhill

Want to know how to almost cause a woman to have an emotional breakdown? 4 months after her father dies, tell her that her marriage sucks. Guess I'd been too busy mourning to acknowledge that C and I were failing at this whole happily married thing. He so sweetly told me one night after a week of tense arguing between us. Granted he sobbed as he told me his feelings but all I wanted to do was stab him, repeatedly...with a dull his manly areas...and then dunk him in salt water. I somehow managed to not murder him but did spend a week curled up in a ball, crying and barely eating.

The talks that ensued between us were emotionally exhausting and eye-opening. Factor in a marriage counselor and some soul searching and you end up with two people who are determined to make this work again. Although C's timing sucks major ass, I can't really blame him for breaking down himself. It's been hard for us. Extremely hard. A friend of mine listed all that we've been through in the span of 3 years: my Dad's stroke and subsequent cancer diagnosis, my numerous health problems, infertility, infertility surgeries, finding out about his azoospermia, him switching jobs twice, his cousin committing suicide, my Dad's death and now the stress of building a home back in our hometown and selling our current one. Once I fully realized this, I almost wanted to run away screaming and never look back. Start over again somewhere else and invent a new identity. I seriously keep waiting for my life to stabilize and be normal but it feels like that never happens. I am so tired of living through crisis after crisis.

Dealing with the emotions of his breakdown and it's affect on me has been complicated. Seeing him have the breakdown was painful, more painful than watching my Dad die, to be honest. C's always been so strong and resilient that it just seemed so strange. He's been diagnosed with depression and prescribed medicine so I truly feel like he didn't do this out of spite or to be an asshole. But that doesn't make it easier for me to understand the mess it seems like he made. Our therapist reminds me that it took two of us to make a marriage and it'll take two of us to keep a marriage. So, I'm not completely blameless. I can see where I went wrong and so can he. So we've been spending a lot of time reconnecting and really talking. Doing things that we enjoy together and remembering what life is like when you are laughing and smiling.

We love each other, I know that's half the battle and I know fighting for us is worth it. The titanic sank after only ONE iceberg. What the hell did I expect after we hit a glacier, repeatedly?


  1. So sorry hon. We had several mini crises our first year of marriage and it was so hard-you guys have been through so much more. It sounds like you're on the path to reconnecting, good luck !

  2. I am sorry to hear about your struggles but so glad you are working on it!! Best of luck!!

  3. Just chiming in to say that I can relate. Like you, in our marriage we've gone through crisis after crisis, for years on end. We're still struggling with the residual effects from the last one or two issues, but we're fighters, and we're still together (and we're still standing!) so that's good. It took a lot of sessions with a therapist, some grief, some anger, some resolutions to make this work, but it CAN be done. So I wanted to say that you can do this too. It's hard, to be sure, but it's not impossible if you are both committed to making it all work in the end. Wishing you and your husband luck and love as you get through it all. And may no more crisis enter your lives for a long time... like I keep telling my family, "All I want is dull and normal for awhile please!"

  4. I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. Infertility just in itself can be hard enough on a marriage and when you factor in everything else that you and C have had to deal with - well it's a lot. I think that the counseling and spending more time together will help :)