June 1, 2012

Dear Dad

It's been 6 months since you left us, 6 very long, emotional months. I am having a hard time understanding how time can keep moving forward without you. How is that you were here and then weren't? Sometimes your last day plays over and over in my mind. I wonder how I missed the signs that you were going to be slipping away, how I could have ignored what was blatantly staring me in the face? Guess they mean it when they talk about how strong denial can be.

Nights are the worse, sleep eludes me as your last breath plays over and over in my mind. It drives me from bed and this feeling of restlessness takes over. I walk around the house, mindlessly surf the net or watch your slideshow until the sun comes up and I can finally sleep. I can't explain why the dark sucks, I'm not scared but I also don't feel 100% safe either. I am eager to move back to TX so that I can be around Mom and the siblings again, I have a feeling that will help tremendously.

Speaking of moving home, we are about 5 weeks from the big move now! The house looks great, it's perfect and we couldn't love it more. I constantly daydream about it and have all these plans for the fun we'll have there. The only sad part is that you won't live with us. It's so hard hearing Mom talk about decorating her room, knowing you won't share it with her. She still gets really sad, we all do. We never dreamed you could miss a person so much. Or what it would feel like to hurt from the deepest part of your soul.

Everyone keeps telling me that it'll get easier, the pain less. But I think that's so stupid. The pain isn't easier or any less, if anything it's worse. I just know how to function a little better now despite that. I can laugh and enjoy life even though I carry this grief all the time. I can't think about Father's Day without tearing up and know it's going to be utter torture. Wish I could rewind time and spend one more day with you. I just want to hug you, hear you say my name. I want to hear you laugh. I want to see your smile.

I just want my Dad back.

1 comment:

  1. My dad passed away of a brain tumor almost 4 years ago now. I came across this poem about grief that really resonated with me and I hope with you.

    by Gwen Flowers

    I had my own notion of grief.
    I thought it was the sad time
    That followed the death of someone you love.
    And you had to push through it
    To get to the other side.
    But I'm learning there is no other side.
    There is no pushing through.
    But rather,
    There is absorption.
    And grief is not something you complete,
    But rather, you endure.
    Grief is not a task to finish
    And move on,
    But an element of yourself-
    An alteration of your being.
    A new way of seeing.
    A new definition of self.