October 20, 2015

Back in the TTC saddle, again

Recently my six-months-pregnant sister and I spent a day running errands and doing some shopping together. In the years since I started dealing with IF, I have spent plenty of time with pregnant women in various baby shops. I can do fine in small doses and only once did I have to wait outside while my friends shopped inside. But, the one baby store that I have not sent foot in is Buy Buy Baby, I just refuse. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I just swore to myself that I'd never enter that store unless I was pregnant. I guess I was "saving" it for myself. It wasn't hard to avoid the store while I was living in AR because there wasn't one in our area but now that I'm back in TX, there are more than a few.

Of course our errands included a stop in a shopping center with a Buy Buy Baby. I noticed it and ignored it but I saw my sister's face light up when she saw it. She excitedly informed me that of course we were going in, that we just HAD to. Now, I know her and she's always been very sensitive about my IF past. And I had also never said a word about how I was "saving" the store for myself one day, because, well, that sounds slightly insane. So I know she wasn't being mean or anything and she even told me that we didn't have to go in, if I didn't want to. But, I simply can't refuse my little sister and I really thought I'd be ok.

Nobody told me that the entire freaking store smells like baby powder. Or that it is THE spot for strollers and I am obsessed with strollers, I love researching them on days when my baby fever is through the roof. I was fine for about 30 minutes and then I had reached my limit. Luckily we left not long after that. I told her about how I had been "saving" it and she felt so badly about us stopping by but I told her it was ok. She really is very understanding and supportive about my feelings.

The thing is, I am not preventing a baby. After I had my IUD removed at the end of May, we did use protection for a while, but we decided to stop preventing and see what happens. Nothing has happened, obviously. The IUD has really messed with my body so my cycle still hasn't returned and that's always been an issue for me anyway. I'm not currently on metformin either. So, I know that of course it's not going to happen right now and I know that it actually might not ever happen. But that doesn't make the negative pregnancy tests any easier on me.

So, here I am, TTC again. It's such a weird feeling to be back in that mode after so much IF. I'm conflicted about it all but I know that I have to try for a baby. Because if I never try then I'll never know, and that would always haunt me. At least this way, if it doesn't happen, I can accept that it just wasn't in the cards for me and truly move on. I'm 32, M is 36, I'll imagine we'll not prevent for the next few years until I'm 36. It's very loosely a plan. A TTC plan. Again. After all this IF. I have to laugh or else I'll cry.

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