I have a complicated relationship with my Mom, it's always been this way. She had a rough childhood and it made her a very un-trusting person and a very overprotective mother. She almost smothered us with her presence and it was so hard to please her, it still is. It's almost like she can't let herself be happy and drama seems to follow her. The months leading up to my wedding were especially bad for us, she was so unhappy about C and I moving two hours away that she wouldn't help me plan. She's not the type to talk about her feelings or emotions so instead of telling me how she felt, she was very passive aggressive. By the time my wedding rolled around, I was so happy to get away from her that I swore to not visit for a few months.
Our relationship improved dramatically once I moved out, not surprising since she is a very difficult person to live with. I feel bad writing all this bad stuff about her, she isn't a monster, she is just very complicated and that spills over to her relationships. She can be just amazing and funny and strong too. It's almost like she is bipolar and I would love for her to see a doctor but she refuses.
Ever since our IVF got moved to Houston, I've been telling her that I would like to stay with her while we were cycling. My old room is huge and is just perfect for me and my two dogs. She was so happy about it and agreed it would be perfect for me to stay with her. Until yesterday, when we were getting ready to skype and I overheard her complaining about me to my sister. We got into a huge fight about it and I cried for hours. The root of the problem? My fears about the IVF and how much I don't feel supported by my family. It scares me that C and I are truly alone in this fight against IF. Scares me because I don't want to feel alone and IVF is scary because it could potentially not work and that would just crush us. Nobody gets it and that hurts almost as much as the IF crap.
So, I'm not speaking to my Mom or my sister and I am overwhelmed with sadness about it all. The fight, our IF, the IVF, the money and just about everything else. I just want to forget about it all and pretend this isn't my life for a while. Cause running away from your problems is much easier than dealing with them.