I have a complicated relationship with my Mom, it's always been this way. She had a rough childhood and it made her a very un-trusting person and a very overprotective mother. She almost smothered us with her presence and it was so hard to please her, it still is. It's almost like she can't let herself be happy and drama seems to follow her. The months leading up to my wedding were especially bad for us, she was so unhappy about C and I moving two hours away that she wouldn't help me plan. She's not the type to talk about her feelings or emotions so instead of telling me how she felt, she was very passive aggressive. By the time my wedding rolled around, I was so happy to get away from her that I swore to not visit for a few months.
Our relationship improved dramatically once I moved out, not surprising since she is a very difficult person to live with. I feel bad writing all this bad stuff about her, she isn't a monster, she is just very complicated and that spills over to her relationships. She can be just amazing and funny and strong too. It's almost like she is bipolar and I would love for her to see a doctor but she refuses.
Ever since our IVF got moved to Houston, I've been telling her that I would like to stay with her while we were cycling. My old room is huge and is just perfect for me and my two dogs. She was so happy about it and agreed it would be perfect for me to stay with her. Until yesterday, when we were getting ready to skype and I overheard her complaining about me to my sister. We got into a huge fight about it and I cried for hours. The root of the problem? My fears about the IVF and how much I don't feel supported by my family. It scares me that C and I are truly alone in this fight against IF. Scares me because I don't want to feel alone and IVF is scary because it could potentially not work and that would just crush us. Nobody gets it and that hurts almost as much as the IF crap.
So, I'm not speaking to my Mom or my sister and I am overwhelmed with sadness about it all. The fight, our IF, the IVF, the money and just about everything else. I just want to forget about it all and pretend this isn't my life for a while. Cause running away from your problems is much easier than dealing with them.
I know all about complicated relationships with your mother. Hopelessly (my DH) says there is a reason the word 'smother' has the word 'mother' in it. I have come tot he conclusion though that you only fight becuase you care and if you didn't care it wouldn't be worth the energy of fighting.
ReplyDeleteI really hope you start to feel supported by your family and at least through this know that C is there to be your pillar of strength through this. I am really hoping your IVF works out.
Hang in there and sending big hugs
I'm sorry :( This is all hard enough without the extra issues.
ReplyDeleteI've had to stop talking about IF with my mom because even though she cares, she says all the WRONG things. She just has no idea how wrong and hurtful her comments end up being.
There is no doubt that all of this is overwhelming. I hope your mom and sister come around. (((hugs)))
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I'm not getting much support from my family either. They don't want me to go ahead with fertility treatments because they are afraid that the treatments will be too much for me to handle. And based on my past history of battling with depression, I can sort of see where they are coming from. We haven't even told DH's family about the treatments. For some reason, I think that parents have a hard time coping with the whole IF issue. But please don't forget not only do you have C for support, you also have all of us in the blogging community!
ReplyDeleteHUGS!!!
So sorry to hear about the relationship with your mom. I can somewhat relate since my relationship with my mom is what I like to call dysfunctionally close. She was a nightmare before my wedding as well but because I didn't want her help because she wanted to take over. I hope you can make it through this and know that as long as you have the support of your husband you will be okay. This whole journey is scary and painful but you aren't alone. Please try to cheer up and not stress, this is a time for you to be stress free and focus on you and your soon to be baby(ies). (((hugs))) to you!
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that you don't know just how much you are speaking to my heart right now. I can so relate with you on so many levels. You are not alone. My relationship w/ my mom is very similar. Its you and your husband on this journey. Everyone else are bystanders...some are supportive while others aren't. Keep moving forward and keep your chin up!
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