August 31, 2012

long time, no talk

It's so hard to post when there is nothing IF related going on in my life and I feel like it gets tiresome for all of you to keep reading grieving posts about my Dad. Plus, it's been busy with moving and all. After five years in Arkansas, we are finally Texas residents again! Completely in love with our new house and having fun living near family again. Just bittersweet that my Dad isn't here to see this. His birthday was the 17th and it was so damn hard. He would have been 55 and we would have had a big party but instead we wished like crazy things were different and cancer didn't exist. We also released balloon messages at the cemetery and decorated his grave. It's not so hard to think about him, the hard part is missing him...every day from now until we see him again. That is the sucky part.

I'm also missing C like crazy. He still works in AR for 12 days at a time and then is home for 4 days, they're going to switch him to a 4 weeks on/1 week off schedule soon. It's a hard adjustment and sometimes I question our sanity but we push on because this is how it is now. Sacrifices had to be made and we keep telling ourselves that it's temporary. We want to open our own business at some point and then we can be together and have a normal life. In the meantime, there is a lot of going on and long phone conversations. He comes home September 11th and I am anxiously counting down!

It was sad for me to drive away from our AR house, I kept thinking about all the expectations I had when we bought that house in 2008. I fully believed we would bring our baby home to that house and I mentally decorated our nursery over and over. I can still vividly remember getting that phone call in my kitchen about C's zero SA. How I sat stunned at our kitchen table, sobbing. All the devastating talks we had within those walls about sperm, doctors, infertility. The fights, the tears, the all seemed to haunt us a little there. We had a good life in AR, it's just also where so much sadness happened. In the five years we were there; both my Grandpas died, my Dad had a stroke and was diagnosed with cancer, my health took a nose-dive, IF roared into our lives, his cousin committed suicide, he switched jobs twice, we almost split up and we lost my Dad. It's been quite a mess.

But with the bad, there is of course, the good. We made some really happy memories there too. Lots of laughs, parties with friends we adore, all the fun we had decorating our first house and making it our home. We made some life-long friends who helped us through the darkness and plied us with alcohol when all else failed. We traveled some, became bikers and grew up. We were only 24 when we moved there, so young and naive.

Here we are now, back home and staring at 30. Still childless but hopefully not for too long.


  1. Good to see you blogging again and welcome back home to TEXAS!!! I seriously can't imagine living anywhere else. Hope this can be a new beginning for you and pray that you find peace and joy soon. You've been through so much - your time will come.

  2. Glad your back! Being close to family is a good thing :)