Bringing the IF back

Next week officially marks 4 years of TTC, can I still call it that if we have no sperm and no ovulation? Also, why can nobody give me an answer to that question? Guess I'll call it 4 years of us desperately wanting to be parents. Only the desperate part comes and goes, sometimes it takes all my willpower to not snatch a baby and run and sometimes I gleefully drink too much tequila and sleep in until one. Sometimes, I don't even think about kids or IF or sperm. And that is a bag of mixed emotions in itself.

IF and kids use to consume my every thought and that sucked. It drained me emotionally to the point where I didn't care if we ever had kids or not. I was just so done with IF running my life. I quit posting on the IF message board I loved, stopped blogging and stopped thinking about babies. It was so freeing and I felt normal. Then, everything with my Dad happened- the cancer being back, chemo, hospice, death- and of course it didn't enter my mind. Even now, I had to remind myself what April meant and I waited for the sting of my empty uterus to chime in but it didn't. All was quiet. All is still quiet.

I don't know how I feel about IF and kids right now. I know how I should feel though. I should be sad and desperate to have a baby in my arms. Instead, I stare at pictures of my Dad and remember something Dr. Nuts once said to me. He told me that IF/azoo wasn't the worst thing that could happen to us. At the time, it was a huge slap in the face and I was so hurt by it. Now I get it. Now I see what he meant. The worst happened almost 4 years after what I thought was the worst. IF is horrible and it sucks. But, for me, it wasn't the worst. Not even close but for more reasons than just my Dad's death.

I just know, from somewhere deep inside of me, that I'll have a child or two. I just know with everything I am that IF isn't anything I can't conquer. C and I will come out on the other side. I know this. I know this because we are aiming for an IVF cycle by December.