Just when I think I've reached a place where I am dealing with IF, something happens to knock me off my ass and I realize that maybe you never truly deal with IF, you just learn to ignore it better. Hello, I'm Amanda and I'm in denial.
This week has been hard for me. Hard in a way that I haven't encountered since our lovely phone call informing us that C's SA was zero. There have been 3 doctor visits, 1 procedure done and C's biopsy isn't even until Monday. I met with my gastroenterologist and he recommended I have a colonoscopy since my Dad was dx so young with colon cancer and my paternal grandfather died from lymphoma. Yay for me! I had it done yesterday and was blissfully sedated for it. He found one little problem and sent it out for biopsy but he doesn't think it's anything serious. He also informed us that my liver is functioning slightly worse and that my body might not sustain a pregnancy without being a threat to my life. I left in tears.
I also met with my RE for the first time this week. He's something else for sure. Dr. Blunt is what I'm calling him b/c he just laid it all out in a manner that I had thought would be done with sensitivity. Nope, not my RE! He tells it like it is...jerk, I need things sugar-coated! I actually had a special experience at his office, I had a rather unexpected visit with the dildocam. I've heard stories about this special instrument, read posts by other nesties laughing about it but had never had the pleasure myself. I was nervous about my RE being a guy, never having been seen down below by a male doctor but was reassured that he probably wouldn't on my first visit. HA! Not only did Dr. Blunt get all up in there, his male nurse assisted him. Well, hello, let's just invite all the men in the building to look at my broken lady parts. I've heard that IF makes you lose all sense of modesty and now I can see why people say that!
Anyway, Dr. Blunt showed me my ovaries and they were covered in cysts. He called me a "textbook PCOS patient", woohoo! Finally I excel at something, too bad it's IF! He drew some blood from me for something to do with metformin and because I was already fasting for my colonoscopy, patted me on my ass and sent me off. Well, not really, there was no pat but I felt like we both deserved one after the ultrasound. I had fun describing it all to C, who thought it was hilarious. Joking aside, Dr. Blunt really pushed home that donor sperm is probably our best option and certainly the cheapest. Our insurance doesn't cover IUI or IVF and IVF is what he recommends for us and it's only 15k.
I can't wait to see what the hell Monday brings for us and feel so depressed after all the bad news this week. IF has made us it's bitch and I can't help but feel like we are so screwed.
September 25, 2009
September 16, 2009
No fury like an IF scorned
Just when we were finally going to get some answers, the rug gets pulled out from under us. Dr. Nuts called today to reschedule because their ultrasound machine is broke and of course they wait until not even 24 hours before the biopsy to call us. I was in shock and all I could do was mutter "that is very upsetting" before hanging up on the nurse. I called C in a panic and had him deal with them. They couldn't see us until Oct. 1, that is until C ripped into them and suddenly they could see us Sept. 28. I am just floored that they could be so inconsiderate. I'm also pissed that we have to wait another 2 weeks before we know anything.
WTH are they thinking?! This is our future! Our answers to whether or not we can have biological children. Don't they understand we are slowly going crazy not knowing anything? I am so mad, upset, sad, angry...really, I just want to scream and cry. Stupid doctors, stupid IF and stupid everything today.
WTH are they thinking?! This is our future! Our answers to whether or not we can have biological children. Don't they understand we are slowly going crazy not knowing anything? I am so mad, upset, sad, angry...really, I just want to scream and cry. Stupid doctors, stupid IF and stupid everything today.
September 15, 2009
Small Steps
Finally got off my butt and made an appointment with a RE today! Amazingly, they are able to see me next week on the 23rd, I am super excited! I know that it might all be for nothing if the biopsy results come back zero but I'm still going to go anyway and see what can be done about my PCOS. I'm tired of seeing Dr. Insensitive (my gyno for anyone new) and I'm never going back to her again. I can't wait to call her stupid office and request they send my medical file to my RE. ha! my RE!! Not sure why, but it feels good to have made that appointment.
C's biopsy is Thursday and wow, we are all over the place with our emotions. I'll be so relieved once it's over and then I'll be a mess waiting for the results but at least we'll have definite answers. I have an appointment Friday with my gastroenterologist to check on my fatass liver. I have liver disease and we monitor it twice a year so it's just our usual appt. My doctor is a tall, very round guy and it's quite amusing to hear him lecture me on losing weight. I'm a little worried about the visit, I don't want my liver to be worse because I really don't want to stop drinking wine ;)
This has definitely been a year of doctors for C and me, I can only hope that they found tons of little swimmers and we continue having our bank acct drained by doctors. I'd gladly continue with doctor visits if it meant we'd have a baby. But, I know we all would. Damn IF.
In some unrelated baby news, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law welcomed a new baby this week, my sweet niece Jaclyn. She is their third baby in three years. I'm happy for them but the thought of seeing all 3 kids this Christmas leaves me feeling all stabby, hope nobody pisses me off when I run errands later!
C's biopsy is Thursday and wow, we are all over the place with our emotions. I'll be so relieved once it's over and then I'll be a mess waiting for the results but at least we'll have definite answers. I have an appointment Friday with my gastroenterologist to check on my fatass liver. I have liver disease and we monitor it twice a year so it's just our usual appt. My doctor is a tall, very round guy and it's quite amusing to hear him lecture me on losing weight. I'm a little worried about the visit, I don't want my liver to be worse because I really don't want to stop drinking wine ;)
This has definitely been a year of doctors for C and me, I can only hope that they found tons of little swimmers and we continue having our bank acct drained by doctors. I'd gladly continue with doctor visits if it meant we'd have a baby. But, I know we all would. Damn IF.
In some unrelated baby news, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law welcomed a new baby this week, my sweet niece Jaclyn. She is their third baby in three years. I'm happy for them but the thought of seeing all 3 kids this Christmas leaves me feeling all stabby, hope nobody pisses me off when I run errands later!
September 10, 2009
Just Waiting
Exactly one week until C's biopsy. One week until the test that determines everything will be done. My emotions are a huge jumble and my mood swings are even annoying me. I am happy one minute and then crying my eyes out the next. I am anxious, worried, sad and most of all, scared. Scared out of my mind to find out the results. In my heart, I know that there won't be any presence of sperm. I just have a *feeling* about this and I know that biological children aren't in our future. Even with these feelings, I will still be completely devastated to have this confirmed. I am not sure how we will deal with that, how we will be able to move forward after learning that. I worry about the affect it will have on us individually and on our marriage. I worry about facing the holidays with the knowledge that we'll never experience pregnancy and childbirth. I'm scared about everything.
C and I are strong people, we have been through a lot and I used to think that we could take on the world and never flinch. Then IF entered our lives and now I just don't know anymore. I am scared to death that I will be bitter about IF until the day that I die. Even if we go on to give birth to 6 kids or adopt 9, I will carry around these scars from our IF battle for the rest of my life. It makes me so sad to think that IF will be this shadow over my life and that it will influence my thoughts forever. A constant presence that I will learn to live with. All of this swirls around my head and then I think about C having to live like this too and it makes me even more sad. I think it's time for us to get IF counseling and I'm in the process of finding someone, but it's hard because we live in a state where such things aren't common. Makes me miss living in TX so bad.
As depressing as this post is, it's not like we are walking around dressed all in black and crying nonstop. We are going about our life and trying to deal as best we can. C is finally coming home this weekend after being gone for 4 weeks and I am super excited to see him. I'm also fighting a losing battle against my urge to decorate for Halloween. So far, all I have allowed myself to do is burn Fall-scented candles and buy candy corn. No promises that I won't bust out pumpkins and witches next week though, especially if the weather cools down more. Moving to central AR from the Gulf Coast of TX gave us the opportunity to experience all 4 seasons and some of the trees are starting to turn yellow and red here! It's early but already it's looking so pretty outside, I can't wait to see the trees next month! I missed Fall here last year because I was in TX with my parents. (My Dad was in a coma from October 26-November 23 so I was there from October to January helping out.)
Tell me I'm not alone in fighting the Fall-decorating urge!
C and I are strong people, we have been through a lot and I used to think that we could take on the world and never flinch. Then IF entered our lives and now I just don't know anymore. I am scared to death that I will be bitter about IF until the day that I die. Even if we go on to give birth to 6 kids or adopt 9, I will carry around these scars from our IF battle for the rest of my life. It makes me so sad to think that IF will be this shadow over my life and that it will influence my thoughts forever. A constant presence that I will learn to live with. All of this swirls around my head and then I think about C having to live like this too and it makes me even more sad. I think it's time for us to get IF counseling and I'm in the process of finding someone, but it's hard because we live in a state where such things aren't common. Makes me miss living in TX so bad.
As depressing as this post is, it's not like we are walking around dressed all in black and crying nonstop. We are going about our life and trying to deal as best we can. C is finally coming home this weekend after being gone for 4 weeks and I am super excited to see him. I'm also fighting a losing battle against my urge to decorate for Halloween. So far, all I have allowed myself to do is burn Fall-scented candles and buy candy corn. No promises that I won't bust out pumpkins and witches next week though, especially if the weather cools down more. Moving to central AR from the Gulf Coast of TX gave us the opportunity to experience all 4 seasons and some of the trees are starting to turn yellow and red here! It's early but already it's looking so pretty outside, I can't wait to see the trees next month! I missed Fall here last year because I was in TX with my parents. (My Dad was in a coma from October 26-November 23 so I was there from October to January helping out.)
Tell me I'm not alone in fighting the Fall-decorating urge!
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