Support System

It's been six weeks since the world spun out of control. Six weeks of tears, anger, rage and questions. Will we ever be able to have biological children? Why isn't there any sperm? Where do we go from here? Are we strong enough to endure this hell? How is it that our life has become centered around sperm?! Six weeks to think about what this means and what our options are. We use to talk a lot about our future children and the things we would teach them, places we would take them and the life we wanted to experience with them. We don't talk about that anymore and we don't daydream about our future either. We are stuck because we just don't know enough at this point. I am super anxious for the 17th to get here so that our minds can be put to ease. I know that if it's bad news, we will grieve and be devastated but I also know that we will also be able to focus on the bigger picture. We will find a way to build our family, that much we do know.

I have been talking a lot about this with my best friends and my Mom. It makes me sad that they don't understand and they often end up saying hurtful things to me. My two best friends get exasperated with me because I am so depressed about not being able to have biological children. They tell me that adoption is the same thing and that at least I have that available to me. Why can't I just be happy about that? My Mom has morphed into a super cheerleader and is always telling me that miracles happen. She just doesn't believe that we won't have biological children and she thinks it's all a mistake. C is much too young and healthy to be sterile. When I start to get upset, she changes the subject so quickly that I just give up. I've explained to her, again and again, that I just need her to listen but she never does. It's incredibly frustrating to not be able to get the support I need from my loved ones.

There is only C that gives me the support I need and of course, that makes sense. Only he knows the agony we are experiencing, the right thing to say or not to say and when to hug me or when to walk away. I am glad we have each other to lean on, he keeps me sane. But it sure is lonely to have nobody else understand or at least be sympathetic enough. It hurts to be around anything pregnancy related, it hurts to walk by baby sections in stores and it hurts that I can't share my feelings without the fear of being judged. Infertility is a lonely road. My friends suck right now. Well, actually, my ovaries and C's testicles suck too.

two lost souls

There have now been three SAs and all of them zero. How much I now hate that number! Zero seems so cold and heartless, I never though that a number could shatter your dreams and cause you to sob uncontrollably. The only good news is that Dr. Nuts has ruled out the possibility of a tumor and the bad news is that the doctor is pushing us to adopt. That is a grand total of TWO doctors that have given up on us. They are pushing us to give up before we know anything, how the hell can they do that? It makes me so angry but mainly, it just makes me incredibly sad. What a horrible summer we have had and I am really looking forward to Fall.

Dr. Nuts recommended C have a testicular biopsy and a vasography, which is an x-ray of the vas deferens. We will know our future around September 17, which is both a huge relief and an extremely scary thought. Oddly enough, I am not freaking out over this and neither is C, at least not yet. We're just going to pray like crazy that there is evidence of sperm. Seriously, praying is now my favorite thing to do and it brings me such peace. It's nice to have something I can do that calms me down and allows me some peace.

I really need something like this now that C is in Oklahoma for a month. Ever since the azoo dx, I have been super clingy and needy. C is the only thing that can soothe me and I feel like such a loser admitting all of this. I promise I'm not as pathetic as it sounds, I'm not all up in C's kool-aid 24/7, I just have been leaning on him a tremendous amount lately. He's been the same with me and we've finally reached a level of comfort in talking about the azoo and it's effect on our life. I'm going to visit him in a couple of weeks and I can't wait!

As much faith as I have in God and prayer, I am anxious for these tests to be over. I am ready to know for sure rather or not we can have biological children because it's killing me to watch everyone around me get pregnant so easily. It's bad enough to be experiencing IF without adding to it this unknown phase of gathering information/testing. This blank wasteland where all we know is that no sperm has been present in ejaculation and we don't know if there is any at all. It's torture and I hate being stuck in the middle between hope and despair. Not knowing if I'll ever be able to experience pregnancy or childbirth. If I'll ever be able to watch C hold a newborn that looks so much like him or if we will ever gaze at our sleeping child, marveling over how much he or she looks like us. I hate not knowing and I'm tired of hurting.

then comes the rain

I officially hate Dr. Insensitive and her nurse. I am never going back to see her and I am making an appointment with a RE very soon. I don't know, they are just too casual about this whole thing and seem so irritated with all my questions and concerns. That is the last thing I need in dealing with the hell that is IF. But, I finally have the results of the SA and it's still heartbreaking. No sperm and he produced less of a sample then the first time, that is the heartbreaking part. It wasn't easier to hear this time around and it was even harder to tell C this time then before. Tomorrow is his appointment with Dr. Nuts and I have a long list of questions for that doctor. We have one last SA and C is having a really hard time getting motivated. I know that is TMI but I'm being honest. He was so upset this morning and just couldn't do it, he was on the verge of tears. I feel terrible and I can't imagine how he must feel. Going to try again tonight, hopefully it works.

It is getting harder and harder to believe this is going to end in a biological child for us. In fact, I'm pretty sure that it's not in the cards for us. I just have a gut feeling. Some days, I am ok with thinking about this but then, there are those days that the mere thought drives me to tears. Days when I can't see anything baby related without that stab to my heart, when it's hard to get out of bed and face the world. I can feel the anger growing, how can it be that we are dealing with this? That anybody has to deal with this? How are incredibly stupid people blessed with fertility and we aren't? I try very hard to be rational about the whole thing, I pray and try to stay hopeful but it's increasingly harder to bury the pain, anger and faith-questioning.

When IF is in your life, you have good days and you have bad days. Today is a bad IF day. I know that a good day is on the horizon and that is what gets me through the bad. But, today I am just going to wallow in the badness and let myself feel crappy because I truly believe you must endure the pain to appreciate the joy.

A lazy weekend

Dr. Insensitive's office is full of idiots. We dropped off C's gunk Monday, I call Thursday for results and they tell me that they have to call me back. When they finally call, 5 hours later, they give me the results of my HSG. Yeah, thanks, but I already have those, how about giving me the results I called for!? The results that are tying my stomach in knots and giving me hope for at least a few sperm. The nurse is giggly at first, until she picks up on my irritation, and then promises to find them and call me right back. I jumped like crazy every time the phone rang yesterday but they never called. Argh, jerks! How dare they have other patients and stuff when I so desperately want our results!? (just kidding but seriously)

I feel bad that all I ever post about is IF doom and gloom, which I doubt anyone minds, but I have to stop thinking about it 24/7 or else I'm going to lose my frickin' mind. C is working all weekend OOT and I'm bored out of my mind at home, so bored that I decided it would be a good idea to organize the closet in our office. The tipping point was when I opened the door and an avalanche of magazines and folders spewed forth. My two dogs were a big help, they sat and stared at me as I pulled things out and made an even bigger mess. I think I have a problem, I seem to keep magazines for no reason. I have a ton of past issues of Glamour, Instyle, Southern Living, Better Homes and Garden and many, many more. They are just sitting around, waiting for me to cut out the articles I circled but never do. I have a HUGE stack to take to the recycling center on Monday.

It actually has been nice to blast my itunes and clean. My latest obsessions music-wise are Patsy Cline, Michael Buble and The Temptations. I go through these "phases" where I crave certain songs and must.listen.to.them.nonstop. Makes C laugh to go through my ipod and see such a weird mix of music. C is awesome and I'm lucky to have him, he keeps me sane and makes me laugh. He loves sharks so he was giddy over Shark Week on Discovery this past week. He loves sharks the way I love witches and zombies, wish there was a witch/zombie week! I can't wait for October, Halloween is a BIG deal in my house and Fall is my favorite season. Plus, I'm hoping that we have our answers by then and have a plan firmly in place for our future. This week brings another SA, our follow-up with Dr. Nuts, C leaving for OK and me leaving for TX to visit my Dad for his birthday. But, I'm feeling more hopeful then I have in a month and I'm taking that as a good sign.

Don't Worry Baby

We got the results of C's blood tests yesterday and of course they raised more questions then provided answers. Everything is normal, except for his testosterone. It was at 280 and they said normal is 300 but google said normal for a man his age is 700 so I'm curious as to why they're ok with 300. Due to C's work schedule, he isn't able to go back for more information/testing until the 13th and then he leaves for OK on the 16th. I'm very irritated about the timing of all this and pretty frustrated that there is nothing we can do about it. C tells me to not worry and denies that he is worried, which I can't believe. I think he's scared and just not ready to admit to it. I don't want to push him on it but I also don't want him to let it pile up and then lose it completely.

Google is becoming my enemy because it spewed forth crappy information about male menopause, testicular failure and pituitary tumors, all of which made me cry. I just want answers and a plan on how we're going to fix these problems, if we even can. It's killing me to not know what the hell is going on with C. I can handle my fertility problems but once things start to go wrong for C, I lose my mind. I can't bear the thought of something serious being wrong with him, it terrifies me. I'm not even worried anymore about my PCOS, all of my focus is centered around C's health now.

With everything that is going on, I suggested to C that it might be a good idea to call his parents and clue them in. He flat-out refuses to do so. I beg him to at least call his brother, they are pretty close and his brother has a degree in medicine, but he won't even do that. I think it has a lot to do with his pride, C and I are Hispanic and in our families, this is not something you speak of. Our families are both very fertile and to tell all of them, will mark us as the defective ones. Which, obviously, we are hesitant to do but I see no harm in telling his parents. C promises that he will once we know more b/c he doesn't want to worry them before we know more. I feel bad b/c my parents know everything and his are still in the dark.

But, I'm a talker and I have to tell someone how I feel. I also like for my parents to know what is going on so that they can pray for us b/c I truly believe prayer works miracles. At least it did for my Dad these past few months. Aside from being a talker, I am a worrier and I worry about everything. It's no surprise that I have high blood pressure. C is constantly telling me to not worry, especially about these blood test results but I can't help it. I hope this week goes by super fast.