I love all holidays, I tend to go overboard for them but it's just so much fun to celebrate! We're having BBQ, beer and fireworks tomorrow with friends and family, I can't wait. My ILs decided, at the last minute, to drive up here and spend the weekend with us so I've been frantically cleaning. Carlos has been off all week so it's been nice to just hang out with him and to put his butt to work helping me clean! He's been a good sport about it and he's looking forward to spending some time with his parents. I'm not as happy about it but at least my MIL will cook for us while she's here, nobody can cook Mexican food like she can!
Monday is my big follow-up appt with my gyno to discuss our next step. I am super anxious and excited to move on in our IF journey. C is going with me to the appt and I'm happy that he'll be there to help calm my nerves. I think he's excited too but he doesn't like to talk much about all this so I try not to push him. I have a really good feeling about the next few months! I hope there's a BFP in the coming weeks!
July 3, 2009
June 26, 2009
The Way You Make Me Feel
Life is such a fragile gift and I try to live each day to its fullest. I also try to come to peace with my regrets because I don't mind having them, as long as I don't repeat them. I spread my love to all those around me because I have an endless capacity to share. I have enough faith, hope and love to go around the world many times over. I have an incredible husband, a supportive and hilarious family, wonderful friends that I can call at 4 in the morning and silly dogs that I adore. I am educated, Carlos has a great career and we have a beautiful house. Simply, I am blessed.
Now all I need is a child to share this all with, to show the beauty of the world and the kindness of people. I want to stare in amazement and awe at a child created by my husband and me. I want to go treat or tricking with the most adorable costumed kid ever, I want to bake Christmas cookies and take visits to see Santa and I want to answer endless questions about the most random things ever. I long to sing lullabies, read beloved children's books and listen to the giggle of my child. I believe I'd be a good mom, certainly not a perfect one, but the kind my child would be proud of. I know Carlos will be a fantastic dad; he'll encourage rough-housing, fishing and a love for snakes and sharks. He'll build forts in the living room, teach them to appreciate the joys of camping and always shower them in love.
I want to be a mom, I want Carlos to be a dad. We are ready, when will it be our turn? How can I find the patience to endure IF treatments? How can I deal with the crappy hand that we have been dealt? How will I ever be able to rectify the pain, that I view as caused by me, to my husband? Most of all, what if it never does happen for us?
Perhaps Michael Jackson had the answer to it all, and breaking out in a random sequence of funky dance moves really will cure my sadness. I bet the angels are all moonwalking tonight!
Now all I need is a child to share this all with, to show the beauty of the world and the kindness of people. I want to stare in amazement and awe at a child created by my husband and me. I want to go treat or tricking with the most adorable costumed kid ever, I want to bake Christmas cookies and take visits to see Santa and I want to answer endless questions about the most random things ever. I long to sing lullabies, read beloved children's books and listen to the giggle of my child. I believe I'd be a good mom, certainly not a perfect one, but the kind my child would be proud of. I know Carlos will be a fantastic dad; he'll encourage rough-housing, fishing and a love for snakes and sharks. He'll build forts in the living room, teach them to appreciate the joys of camping and always shower them in love.
I want to be a mom, I want Carlos to be a dad. We are ready, when will it be our turn? How can I find the patience to endure IF treatments? How can I deal with the crappy hand that we have been dealt? How will I ever be able to rectify the pain, that I view as caused by me, to my husband? Most of all, what if it never does happen for us?
Perhaps Michael Jackson had the answer to it all, and breaking out in a random sequence of funky dance moves really will cure my sadness. I bet the angels are all moonwalking tonight!
June 23, 2009
Just wanna go home
It seemed like a good idea at the time, to come celebrate Father's Day with my Dad since you just never know if it'll be his last, and to just go ahead and stay 2 weeks since my younger sister is pregnant and due the day after Father's Day. A good idea until I actually got here and my family started to get on my nerves. Nerves that were already hanging on by a thin, little thread as a result of our failed cycle. I am ready to snap. I am also ready to drive back home and pout in the arms of my husband. Did I mention it's hot as hell in TX during the summer?! I am melting!
I was doing ok, I even helped my sister assemble some last minute baby items. I was happy to do it and to talk about the baby, my niece. But, then we got to talking about the baby's loser father and how he is jobless, carless and basically not a functional human being. I asked myself, why am I torturing myself? So, I went to spend some time with my inlaws. Where I was ambushed with a pregnancy announcement that hurt like hell. Not because I begrudge the happy couple, who by the way got married after us, but because a stupid cousin of Carlos's then turned to me and asked, "Wow, what are y'all going to do? Adopt?"
To which I could only reply, "What? What are you talking about?" before walking away from her in a daze. I had no clue that she knew about our IF troubles and promptly tracked down my SIL to ask who spilled the beans. SIL adamantly denied any involvement, thus confirming my suspicions that it was her big, stupid mouth. I was beyond embarrassed and saddened that C didn't have happy baby news to share this Father's Day. I stay with my ILs when I visit because they have plenty of space and my parents don't and so I came back here and cried my eyes out. All I wanted was the comfort of C and he is in another state. I had only been here a day and already I was planning my escape.
I feel like an ass because I am happy to be spending time with my Dad, nephews and nieces but it's hard to see that because I am just so miserable. I am beyond happy to share precious time with my Dad, he's simply amazing. His recovery is remarkable and I don't regret coming. I just desperately wish C was here to keep me sane. I have requested his help in plotting my escape and his devilish mind is coming up with tons of ideas to help get me out of here early.
I hope that this was the last Father's Day that Carlos isn't able to celebrate.
I was doing ok, I even helped my sister assemble some last minute baby items. I was happy to do it and to talk about the baby, my niece. But, then we got to talking about the baby's loser father and how he is jobless, carless and basically not a functional human being. I asked myself, why am I torturing myself? So, I went to spend some time with my inlaws. Where I was ambushed with a pregnancy announcement that hurt like hell. Not because I begrudge the happy couple, who by the way got married after us, but because a stupid cousin of Carlos's then turned to me and asked, "Wow, what are y'all going to do? Adopt?"
To which I could only reply, "What? What are you talking about?" before walking away from her in a daze. I had no clue that she knew about our IF troubles and promptly tracked down my SIL to ask who spilled the beans. SIL adamantly denied any involvement, thus confirming my suspicions that it was her big, stupid mouth. I was beyond embarrassed and saddened that C didn't have happy baby news to share this Father's Day. I stay with my ILs when I visit because they have plenty of space and my parents don't and so I came back here and cried my eyes out. All I wanted was the comfort of C and he is in another state. I had only been here a day and already I was planning my escape.
I feel like an ass because I am happy to be spending time with my Dad, nephews and nieces but it's hard to see that because I am just so miserable. I am beyond happy to share precious time with my Dad, he's simply amazing. His recovery is remarkable and I don't regret coming. I just desperately wish C was here to keep me sane. I have requested his help in plotting my escape and his devilish mind is coming up with tons of ideas to help get me out of here early.
I hope that this was the last Father's Day that Carlos isn't able to celebrate.
June 18, 2009
Maybe I'm not lost
For an unknown reason, this past failed cycle hit C and me pretty hard. Don't get me wrong, they are all sad, hard, frustrating and a million other things but this one in particular was a real heart-breaker. It just touched a nerve with us and we didn't handle it very well. For the past 14 months of TTC, we have talked at length about my feelings, my pain and my issues but apparently I failed at asking about his own thoughts. I hadn't put a lot of thought into how my IF issues affected C, I guess I was just too selfish to consider his feelings or too dumb to think that they did affect him. C is not big on talking about his feelings or fears, don't get me wrong, this guy will sit for hours with me and talk about all kinds of mindless chatter but rarely do I see his emotional side.
He's always been my rock and he is so strong that I just assumed he would tell me how he was feeling. But the failure of our last cycle touched off something that was simmering there and we had a big fight last week. Now there is this new frailty in our relationship that is very strange. Suddenly all my IF issues seem so real, so concrete and it's no longer just my problem but our problem. I feel like the worst wife in the world for not seeing his pain. I've spent the last 14 months apologizing to him for being so broken and feeling like an incomplete woman and now I finally see his side of this. His pain at not being able to fix this for me, his sadness at watching me deal with this and his frustration with how much IF sucks. I can now see that even my strong husband is struggling to handle it all and maybe I'm not so weak after all for not being able to cope with IF.
Oddly enough, the big fight was the best thing for us. Yes, there is a sense of frailty now but there is also an amazing amount of tenderness and understanding. We're acting like newlyweds again and have connected on a level that makes me feel safe and secure. We've been together for almost 10 years and we have seen each other through really, really hard times but nothing like this. We've always made making our relationship strong a priority and he's always been my partner in crime but this new level of closeness is astounding. I just don't feel like the same person anymore and I know that together, C and I can kick IF's ass. It's still going to be hard and painful but as long as we lean on each other, we will get through this. I can get through anything with C, he truly is the greatest guy.
I have felt so lost throughout all this, especially when my Dad got so sick but I don't feel like that anymore. I feel stronger and I am so excited for our next doctor appointment. It's a couple of weeks away and we'll be taking the next step, whatever it is, in treating/dealing with my IF. I can't wait to see what is next for us.
He's always been my rock and he is so strong that I just assumed he would tell me how he was feeling. But the failure of our last cycle touched off something that was simmering there and we had a big fight last week. Now there is this new frailty in our relationship that is very strange. Suddenly all my IF issues seem so real, so concrete and it's no longer just my problem but our problem. I feel like the worst wife in the world for not seeing his pain. I've spent the last 14 months apologizing to him for being so broken and feeling like an incomplete woman and now I finally see his side of this. His pain at not being able to fix this for me, his sadness at watching me deal with this and his frustration with how much IF sucks. I can now see that even my strong husband is struggling to handle it all and maybe I'm not so weak after all for not being able to cope with IF.
Oddly enough, the big fight was the best thing for us. Yes, there is a sense of frailty now but there is also an amazing amount of tenderness and understanding. We're acting like newlyweds again and have connected on a level that makes me feel safe and secure. We've been together for almost 10 years and we have seen each other through really, really hard times but nothing like this. We've always made making our relationship strong a priority and he's always been my partner in crime but this new level of closeness is astounding. I just don't feel like the same person anymore and I know that together, C and I can kick IF's ass. It's still going to be hard and painful but as long as we lean on each other, we will get through this. I can get through anything with C, he truly is the greatest guy.
I have felt so lost throughout all this, especially when my Dad got so sick but I don't feel like that anymore. I feel stronger and I am so excited for our next doctor appointment. It's a couple of weeks away and we'll be taking the next step, whatever it is, in treating/dealing with my IF. I can't wait to see what is next for us.
May 23, 2009
The Best of Intentions
Avoidance is powerful, especially when you do not want to face your life. This blog has constantly been on my mind but I never could find the desire to put my thoughts to words. It is much easier to forget and not think about all the changes God threw my way these past seven months. All the fears swirling in mind were safe, as long as I didn't write them down or voice them out loud. It has been challenging to accept and deal with all this fear but I am slowly doing so. For the sake of my own sanity, I had to.
My Dad is alive, the cancer in remission and my entire family is rejoiceful. However, the physical and mental problems continue to cast a shadow over my Dad's miracle. As a result of his brain damage from his two strokes, he is a very different man. Out of respect for him, I won't get into the details but it can be extremely difficult to care for him. My rockstar Mom is bearing the majority of his care and is the definition of strength. We are not sure if he will improve anymore and his doctors just tell us it will be up to a year before we know anything more. But, as long as he is alive, I will glady deal with these challenges.
As for Carlos and me, we are actively facing our TTC issues. I've had even more doctor appointments and am now on metformin and prometrium to help us conceive. If these medicines don't work, I return to the doctor in July to discuss our next step. At first, I was extremely hopeful but as each cycle comes and goes without a pregnancy, my hope is dwindling. It is such a struggle to stay hopeful and it's hard to not be pregnant in a world where seemingly everyone is. But even more so because I have several pregnant friends and family members. It is becoming increasingly painful for me to be around them, which makes me feel even worse.
Sometimes it seems like all the people in my life know this great, big secret that I don't and I desperately just want to know what they know.
My Dad is alive, the cancer in remission and my entire family is rejoiceful. However, the physical and mental problems continue to cast a shadow over my Dad's miracle. As a result of his brain damage from his two strokes, he is a very different man. Out of respect for him, I won't get into the details but it can be extremely difficult to care for him. My rockstar Mom is bearing the majority of his care and is the definition of strength. We are not sure if he will improve anymore and his doctors just tell us it will be up to a year before we know anything more. But, as long as he is alive, I will glady deal with these challenges.
As for Carlos and me, we are actively facing our TTC issues. I've had even more doctor appointments and am now on metformin and prometrium to help us conceive. If these medicines don't work, I return to the doctor in July to discuss our next step. At first, I was extremely hopeful but as each cycle comes and goes without a pregnancy, my hope is dwindling. It is such a struggle to stay hopeful and it's hard to not be pregnant in a world where seemingly everyone is. But even more so because I have several pregnant friends and family members. It is becoming increasingly painful for me to be around them, which makes me feel even worse.
Sometimes it seems like all the people in my life know this great, big secret that I don't and I desperately just want to know what they know.
December 15, 2008
Out of Control
My world spun out of control on October 26, 2008 when my Dad had two strokes. He was in the hospital for a month with three of those weeks spent in the ICU. While in there, it was discovered he has stage three colon cancer. The doctors did not expect my Dad to live but he is home now. He is very slowly recovering what was lost as a result of his brain damage. C and I immediately drove home to be with my family and I ended up staying while C eventually came home. I'm home now too and we are heading back for Christmas and New Years. I will spend most of January in Houston for various reasons but mainly so that I can have more time with my Dad. Looking back at that month in the hospital, I am not sure how I did not lose my mind. We're a close family and we've been through a lot but this was beyond hell for us. I stayed strong but I come back home to Arkansas and cry for hours over it all. Thank the Lord my Dad lived, it was truly a miracle. Even his doctors told us it was a miracle!
So, I am splitting my time between two states and trying to take care of everyone. It's exhausting and emotionally draining but worth it because they are my family. It put everything in my life into crystal clear perspective and amazingly, my depression over my fertility flew out the window! I've been too overwhelmed caring for my Dad to obsess over my PCOS. Yet, as another month went by with no positive pregnancy test, my heart felt it. Don't get me wrong, I am still upset over my issues but I don't care about it anymore. I will not let PCOS win and I will get pregnant this coming year! My faith is super strong and of course, I have hope.
Anyway, my Dad is doing good and will start chemo some time in January. I am looking forward to being with him for the holidays despite my lack of Christmas cheer. I have decorated our house, wrapped presents, sent cards and hosted a party but I still feel very bah humbug about it all. I just want it all to be over so that life can resume and move forward. It's strange because normally I am a Christmas freak and celebrate to the max but these past couple of months have just wiped me out. I had to withdraw for the semester and I don't even care about the impact that will have on my academic goals. eh, it's been a hard time emotionally for me and it's starting to show.
So, here's to Christmas, miracles, my Dad and a better 2009 then we could hope for.
So, I am splitting my time between two states and trying to take care of everyone. It's exhausting and emotionally draining but worth it because they are my family. It put everything in my life into crystal clear perspective and amazingly, my depression over my fertility flew out the window! I've been too overwhelmed caring for my Dad to obsess over my PCOS. Yet, as another month went by with no positive pregnancy test, my heart felt it. Don't get me wrong, I am still upset over my issues but I don't care about it anymore. I will not let PCOS win and I will get pregnant this coming year! My faith is super strong and of course, I have hope.
Anyway, my Dad is doing good and will start chemo some time in January. I am looking forward to being with him for the holidays despite my lack of Christmas cheer. I have decorated our house, wrapped presents, sent cards and hosted a party but I still feel very bah humbug about it all. I just want it all to be over so that life can resume and move forward. It's strange because normally I am a Christmas freak and celebrate to the max but these past couple of months have just wiped me out. I had to withdraw for the semester and I don't even care about the impact that will have on my academic goals. eh, it's been a hard time emotionally for me and it's starting to show.
So, here's to Christmas, miracles, my Dad and a better 2009 then we could hope for.
October 18, 2008
Changes ahead
I am done with being down in the dumps about everything, especially things I cannot change! I have been struggling with what to do next, where to start and how to implement it all but no more! I'm not sure what happened to kick me in the butt but suddenly I am all revved up and ready to get on with my life. I guess everyone has to hit the darkest point before they can see the light. These past few months have been emotionally tough on me, I struggled with depression like I never have before and nothing seemed to help. I couldn't shake the gloominess, fear, sadness and feelings of unworthiness. I knew, deep down, that I should probably see my doctor about my feelings but I just couldn't get past my pride or admit that I was so depressed. I kept thinking that I would feel better with more time but it never happened until recently. When I got fed up and made a change.
C and I started walking 2 miles every evening around our neighborhood. I started feeling better, having more energy and sleeping better! All because I was walking! I am eating better, living better and actually feeling better. I cut negative people out of my life, forgave people I had been angry at and started relaxing more. I am still working on the relaxing part, I get so stressed out! But it's better then it was and even my headaches are less frequent. It's amazing how much can change just by taking a walk with my husband, a simple walk every evening. It makes me laugh. I should have done this before!
We also have a plan now. A firm plan on what step to take next in regards to my fertility. I have doctor appointments and a plan. I am happier then I have been in a long, long time.
C and I started walking 2 miles every evening around our neighborhood. I started feeling better, having more energy and sleeping better! All because I was walking! I am eating better, living better and actually feeling better. I cut negative people out of my life, forgave people I had been angry at and started relaxing more. I am still working on the relaxing part, I get so stressed out! But it's better then it was and even my headaches are less frequent. It's amazing how much can change just by taking a walk with my husband, a simple walk every evening. It makes me laugh. I should have done this before!
We also have a plan now. A firm plan on what step to take next in regards to my fertility. I have doctor appointments and a plan. I am happier then I have been in a long, long time.
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