oh, Provera, you are a pain in the ass! Daily headaches I can deal with, sore boobies are fine, sleepiness is tolerable but the damn mood swings are driving me batty! I am also crying at everything, seriously. Watching the Disney holiday special on HGTV had me bawling, Christmas commercials cause me to tear up and a weird look from Carlos makes me want to throw something at him. I made the STUPID mistake of watching Up, have you seen this? Why Disney? All I want to know is WHY?! I sobbed and announced that it was evil before firing off a pissy email to Disney. Then I informed a woman buying the movie at Target that it was horrible and not worth buying. I've lost my damn mind, I tell you!
I'm thinking that right now is the perfect time to call Dr. Nuts and tell him we found 4 swimmers. bwahahahaha, I can unleash all that is evil about my hormones in one call and I'm sure that it'll make me feel good. Also, Dr. L's office is taking it's sweet time returning my call from 2 weeks ago about whether or not the procedures will be covered and how much we will owe. I can't be greedy and not share all that is Amanda's bitchiness with everyone but them. They're on my call list tomorrow too!
I'm sure I will cry my eyes out after I call them. Want an example of my moodiness? Right now I can hear Christmas music playing from our living room, Silent Night is on and I can feel the tears burning my eyes. ::sigh:: Only 4 more days of Provera and then it's Yaz time, can't wait.
November 30, 2009
November 25, 2009
Thankful
I love to eat and this makes Thanksgiving a very enjoyable holiday for me! Yum Yum, all that turkey and ham and pumpkin pie! My parents and little brother are here to celebrate with us and it's never dull around here when my parents visit. My Dad is hilarious and watching him and my Mom bicker just cracks me up. C unexpectedly got called into work and won't be here, which is a bummer, but his company is catering a full turkey dinner for them so at least he'll eat good. Right now my house smells like pumpkin pie and all that is good, makes me feel so happy inside.
We always go around the table and share what we are thankful for, so I thought I'd share it here too. Even though this year has been full of ups and downs, there is still so much to be thankful for: the sexiest hubby ever, my crazy family, my annoying inlaws, my cute dogs, cancer doctors who work miracles, my amazing friends and IF doctors. Oh Lord, how I am thankful for IF doctors! Dr. L restored our hope and we will be forever thankful to him for that.
Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all stuff yourselves silly, laugh a lot and enjoy the day. We all deserve it!
We always go around the table and share what we are thankful for, so I thought I'd share it here too. Even though this year has been full of ups and downs, there is still so much to be thankful for: the sexiest hubby ever, my crazy family, my annoying inlaws, my cute dogs, cancer doctors who work miracles, my amazing friends and IF doctors. Oh Lord, how I am thankful for IF doctors! Dr. L restored our hope and we will be forever thankful to him for that.
Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all stuff yourselves silly, laugh a lot and enjoy the day. We all deserve it!
November 22, 2009
my RE
Amazing how much better you feel after a good cry in the shower, away from people who don't know how to comfort you and away from the husband who feels guilty about the tears. I listened to you and cried in the shower, it was such a release and I felt much better on Friday to see my RE. No matter how far I think I've come in dealing with IF, the day before and the day of our appointments never fail to send me in a downward spin. I can never sleep the night before an appointment and usually cry in the car after we leave one. Drives me crazy because even good appointments cause my insanity to surface. We heard nothing but horrible news for so long that now the good news makes me nervous and scared/anxious/sad/all the emotions listed in a thesaurus. But whatever, I'll just bury it until our next appointment!
Anyway, I have good news! I don't have any STDs...Woot Woot! My RE actually apologized to me when he told me about the required STD testing for IVF and assured me that I would pass, which made me laugh. Carlos is next up for his STD screening and I hope to take him this week to get it over with. Since AF and I haven't been on speaking terms since July, he prescribed Provera. He also informed me that I am not insulin resistant and just have plain ol' PCOS so no Metformin for me. That annoyed the crap out of me because I really wanted the Met. I'm going to do a little digging to see if any non-IR PCOS ladies used Met successfully to help with the other lovely PCOS symptoms like acne and hirsutism. I was on 1000 mg of Met for three months and other then losing 3 lbs, nothing else happened on such a low dosage.
He prescribed me Yaz to help with the PCOS. Oh the irony of being on BCP when you're TTC! I am terrified of the Yaz because of Dr. Google. I have liver disease, why in the world would my RE prescribe Yaz to me?! I'm going to call him tomorrow and ask about that. I'm not 100% comfortable with my RE, I don't have much confidence in him. Granted, I've only seen him twice now but I left this last visit feeling like he wasn't the best for us. I just have a feeling about him, not sure if it's genuine fear or just nerves. C is working out of town and when he gets home we're going to have a long talk about it and I'm going to see what he thinks about my RE when he goes in for his STD bloodwork before making a decision to switch or not.
If I stay with my RE, looks like we are on track for IVF next year. We're aiming for the summer to give us time to fight our insurance company to cover it and save if they won't. Right now everything just feels scattered and unorganized, I hate feeling this way. Once Thanksgiving is over and my sister and niece are back in TX, I'm going to focus on getting everything back on track.
Anyway, I have good news! I don't have any STDs...Woot Woot! My RE actually apologized to me when he told me about the required STD testing for IVF and assured me that I would pass, which made me laugh. Carlos is next up for his STD screening and I hope to take him this week to get it over with. Since AF and I haven't been on speaking terms since July, he prescribed Provera. He also informed me that I am not insulin resistant and just have plain ol' PCOS so no Metformin for me. That annoyed the crap out of me because I really wanted the Met. I'm going to do a little digging to see if any non-IR PCOS ladies used Met successfully to help with the other lovely PCOS symptoms like acne and hirsutism. I was on 1000 mg of Met for three months and other then losing 3 lbs, nothing else happened on such a low dosage.
He prescribed me Yaz to help with the PCOS. Oh the irony of being on BCP when you're TTC! I am terrified of the Yaz because of Dr. Google. I have liver disease, why in the world would my RE prescribe Yaz to me?! I'm going to call him tomorrow and ask about that. I'm not 100% comfortable with my RE, I don't have much confidence in him. Granted, I've only seen him twice now but I left this last visit feeling like he wasn't the best for us. I just have a feeling about him, not sure if it's genuine fear or just nerves. C is working out of town and when he gets home we're going to have a long talk about it and I'm going to see what he thinks about my RE when he goes in for his STD bloodwork before making a decision to switch or not.
If I stay with my RE, looks like we are on track for IVF next year. We're aiming for the summer to give us time to fight our insurance company to cover it and save if they won't. Right now everything just feels scattered and unorganized, I hate feeling this way. Once Thanksgiving is over and my sister and niece are back in TX, I'm going to focus on getting everything back on track.
November 19, 2009
Bad Day
Today was just one of those days where IF was a heavy burden to bear. I've spent the past week playing phone tag with Dr. L's office trying to figure out if our insurance is covering any of the procedures and if not, how much we have to bring..er, save, for the procedures. I've also been dealing with my sister and her problems, while helping her care for her four month old daughter. It's emotionally exhausting being around a baby 24/7 when dealing with IF. I'm not bitter but I sure as hell am sad. Plus C's company cut our insurance plan and we're trying to find out if they will still cover all the meds we will need for IVF. We still have insurance, just with a MUCH higher deductible and pathetically small IF coverage.
Tomorrow is my IVF consult with my RE, the one where I assume we will discuss costs, medications, time-lines and how to work with Dr. L in Houston for sperm retrieval, freezing and mailing to Little Rock. Plus success rates, if my RE has ever done IVF with this type of logistics and whether or not he thinks it'll work. I might just end up using a clinic in Houston that a nestie (the nest) recommended to me. The clinic in Houston is much cheaper but it would be a real pain the arse to cycle in Houston with C still in Arkansas. C and I are also discussing just how we're going to pay for IVF, that is a scary conversation! I wish we were millionaires!
I was just grumpy as hell today, angry at no one and everyone. I just want a really good cry but won't let myself while my sister is here. She's here for ten more days and after that, I'm going to sit on the couch and cry my eyes out.
Tomorrow is my IVF consult with my RE, the one where I assume we will discuss costs, medications, time-lines and how to work with Dr. L in Houston for sperm retrieval, freezing and mailing to Little Rock. Plus success rates, if my RE has ever done IVF with this type of logistics and whether or not he thinks it'll work. I might just end up using a clinic in Houston that a nestie (the nest) recommended to me. The clinic in Houston is much cheaper but it would be a real pain the arse to cycle in Houston with C still in Arkansas. C and I are also discussing just how we're going to pay for IVF, that is a scary conversation! I wish we were millionaires!
I was just grumpy as hell today, angry at no one and everyone. I just want a really good cry but won't let myself while my sister is here. She's here for ten more days and after that, I'm going to sit on the couch and cry my eyes out.
November 14, 2009
Getting in gear
I have been so overwhelmed and unable to focus on the good that came out of our second opinion, it’s really annoying. All I ever seem to think about is sperm, ovulation, doctors, medical bills and it’s a lot of what I talk about too. I swear I used to be interesting and have a sense of humor! IF already messes you up enough without it completely taking over your life. I really have to kick my butt in gear and start being happy. Or at least try. I really just can’t keep going down this same path of fear, doubt and sadness, it doesn’t help.
I mean, come on! We found sperm! The doctor thinks we’ll be able to get me pregnant! IVF is no walk in the park but I can do it! I can do this. I can stare IF in the face and not blink because I will kick its ass. I will have a baby. I will constantly rub my baby bump, buy way too much baby stuff and argue over names with Carlos. I will gleefully invite everyone I know to my baby shower (or at least whomever is throwing my shower will) and I will decorate the cutest nursery, ever. I will have a baby, damnit!
I had stopped buying baby stuff for myself because it hurt so damn much. I hid what little I already had in the very back of my closet and I avoided baby sections in stores like the plague. Well…I bought a onesie. Yep, I bought the sweetest little onesie for my baby. I saw it at Target and fell in love. So, I bought it and it felt so good. It says, “wishes do come true”. Yep, they do and one day I will be holding my wish.
I mean, come on! We found sperm! The doctor thinks we’ll be able to get me pregnant! IVF is no walk in the park but I can do it! I can do this. I can stare IF in the face and not blink because I will kick its ass. I will have a baby. I will constantly rub my baby bump, buy way too much baby stuff and argue over names with Carlos. I will gleefully invite everyone I know to my baby shower (or at least whomever is throwing my shower will) and I will decorate the cutest nursery, ever. I will have a baby, damnit!
I had stopped buying baby stuff for myself because it hurt so damn much. I hid what little I already had in the very back of my closet and I avoided baby sections in stores like the plague. Well…I bought a onesie. Yep, I bought the sweetest little onesie for my baby. I saw it at Target and fell in love. So, I bought it and it felt so good. It says, “wishes do come true”. Yep, they do and one day I will be holding my wish.
November 11, 2009
Fears
The IF emotional roller coaster has left me drained, totally worn out and scared out of my mind. I can't believe that there is actually hope. The past 4 months have all been about accepting C would never father a child and now, suddenly, we're staring at four little swimmers. I'm terrified that we will never find another and that nothing will ever work for us. We're about to throw ourselves into everything that is IVF and what if the outcome isn't good? How the hell would be pick ourselves up from that? Where would we go from there? I can't imagine how we will mentally prepare ourselves for this new journey, especially since we had just accepted that donor sperm was our journey. Who knows? It might still be, we won't know for quite some time.
Amid all the questions and fears, there are some things that I just simply know. I know how deep my desire is to have a child, to experience pregnancy and childbirth and to not feel like I am "missing out" on one of the greatest experiences a woman can have. I just feel this from the bottom of my heart and I always have. I'm meant to be a mom and C is meant to be a dad. This much I know. It's just that shifting gears from donor IUI to IVF with C's sperm is mind-blowing in a way that I can't explain. I want to cry when I think about a baby with C's nose or light colored hair, a baby that looks so much like C I'll want to cry every time I look at him or her b/c I know that it's a miracle. A child that will be half me and half him, something we were told wasn't possible. A child that I have dreamed about, prayed for and fantasized about for years, now they tell me is possible.
Don't they see how dangerous it is to tell me that? Don't they see my heart, C's heart, is on the line here? A child we had accepted wasn't going to happen, just might. But, what if it doesn't? Don't they see how utterly devastating it will be to us? It just seems cruel to dangle hope in our face, just for it to be snatched away in the end. This is my greatest fear. My greatest wish is that I am eating my words next year as I cuddle our child and wonder how I ever doubted our doctors.
Amid all the questions and fears, there are some things that I just simply know. I know how deep my desire is to have a child, to experience pregnancy and childbirth and to not feel like I am "missing out" on one of the greatest experiences a woman can have. I just feel this from the bottom of my heart and I always have. I'm meant to be a mom and C is meant to be a dad. This much I know. It's just that shifting gears from donor IUI to IVF with C's sperm is mind-blowing in a way that I can't explain. I want to cry when I think about a baby with C's nose or light colored hair, a baby that looks so much like C I'll want to cry every time I look at him or her b/c I know that it's a miracle. A child that will be half me and half him, something we were told wasn't possible. A child that I have dreamed about, prayed for and fantasized about for years, now they tell me is possible.
Don't they see how dangerous it is to tell me that? Don't they see my heart, C's heart, is on the line here? A child we had accepted wasn't going to happen, just might. But, what if it doesn't? Don't they see how utterly devastating it will be to us? It just seems cruel to dangle hope in our face, just for it to be snatched away in the end. This is my greatest fear. My greatest wish is that I am eating my words next year as I cuddle our child and wonder how I ever doubted our doctors.
November 10, 2009
Another Award!
I am so touched, thank you Lindsey! Drop by her blog, My IVF Reality, and wish her lots of luck with her upcoming IVF but be warned, you'll quickly be charmed by her sense of humor and honesty.
Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!
The Survey~
1. Where is your cell phone? bedroom
2. Your hair? brown
3. Your mother? hilarious
4. Your father? strong
5. Your favorite food? enchiladas
6. Your dream last night? confusing
7. Your favorite drink? root beer
8. Your dream/goal? family
9. What room are you in? office
10. Your hobby? reading
11. Your fear? darkness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? mommy
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? tall (ha!)
15. Muffins? banana nut (yeah yeah, two words)
16. Wish list item? BFP
17. Where did you grow up? Houston
18. Last thing you did? FB
19. What are you wearing? pjs
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pets? dogs
22. Friends? loving
23. Your life? blessed
24. Your mood? Awake (and I shouldn't be as it is 3am here)
25. Missing someone? always
26. Vehicle? Pontiac
27. Something you’re not wearing? socks
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? pink
30. When was the last time you laughed? earlier
31. Last time you cried? Friday
32. Your best friend? Ashley
33. One place that I go to over and over? beach
34. One person who emails me regularly? Mary
35. Favorite place to eat? Acapulco (local place)
I now tag:
The Desire of my Heart
Coastal Confessions
Broken Baby Making Machine
Banking On It
Mommy-in-Waiting
Sell Crazy Someplace Else
Have a happy Tuesday everyone!
Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!
The Survey~
1. Where is your cell phone? bedroom
2. Your hair? brown
3. Your mother? hilarious
4. Your father? strong
5. Your favorite food? enchiladas
6. Your dream last night? confusing
7. Your favorite drink? root beer
8. Your dream/goal? family
9. What room are you in? office
10. Your hobby? reading
11. Your fear? darkness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? mommy
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? tall (ha!)
15. Muffins? banana nut (yeah yeah, two words)
16. Wish list item? BFP
17. Where did you grow up? Houston
18. Last thing you did? FB
19. What are you wearing? pjs
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pets? dogs
22. Friends? loving
23. Your life? blessed
24. Your mood? Awake (and I shouldn't be as it is 3am here)
25. Missing someone? always
26. Vehicle? Pontiac
27. Something you’re not wearing? socks
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? pink
30. When was the last time you laughed? earlier
31. Last time you cried? Friday
32. Your best friend? Ashley
33. One place that I go to over and over? beach
34. One person who emails me regularly? Mary
35. Favorite place to eat? Acapulco (local place)
I now tag:
The Desire of my Heart
Coastal Confessions
Broken Baby Making Machine
Banking On It
Mommy-in-Waiting
Sell Crazy Someplace Else
Have a happy Tuesday everyone!
November 9, 2009
Unbelievable
We went to our second opinion fully prepared to hear some more of what we have already been told. We both were trying to pretend that we weren't wishing, hoping and praying for a miracle. I sat with C through an extensive questioning of his medical history, our TTC journey and sex life. I witnessed a very thorough physical examination and was able to assist him in collecting semen for our 4th SA. Then we were told to wait for the results and to finally see Dr. L. After what felt like forever, but was really only 40 minutes, Dr. L strolled in and made me cry.
4 sperm. There were 4 sperm in the SA. 4 SPERM!! Two thoughts flew through my mind, where the hell had they been hiding and isn't 4 the most beautiful number, ever? Dr. L informed us that we would more than likely be sending Dr. Nuts a baby picture of C's biological child. He thinks Dr. Nuts is a total idiot and did everything wrong. Dr. L suspects a blockage and has ordered a transrectal ultrasonography (TRUS) and a seminal vesicle aspiration (SVA) for December 21. He also ordered a ton of blood work, including a Y-Chromosome Analysis to check C's DNA.
The 4 were not perfect, 3 were non-motile and only 1 was motile. Based on that, Dr. L said we would be ushered right into IVF, but that didn't surprise us. Well, it scares us but it doesn't surprise us. I cannot describe to you how it felt to be told this. We were in utter shock, I was crying my eyes out and C couldn't stop smiling. We are so glad that we didn't stop with Dr. Nut's or Dr. Insensitive's advice to adopt b/c C is sterile. I am so happy that I didn't ignore my instinct and traveled 500 miles to get another opinion. I am so grateful that God didn't turn His back on me and gave us this break.
As excited as we are, we also know that 4 does not equal a baby and that sperm doesn't equal a successful IVF cycle. But, 4 is so much more than 0. 4 is amazing. 4 is a miracle. 4 is hope.
4 sperm. There were 4 sperm in the SA. 4 SPERM!! Two thoughts flew through my mind, where the hell had they been hiding and isn't 4 the most beautiful number, ever? Dr. L informed us that we would more than likely be sending Dr. Nuts a baby picture of C's biological child. He thinks Dr. Nuts is a total idiot and did everything wrong. Dr. L suspects a blockage and has ordered a transrectal ultrasonography (TRUS) and a seminal vesicle aspiration (SVA) for December 21. He also ordered a ton of blood work, including a Y-Chromosome Analysis to check C's DNA.
The 4 were not perfect, 3 were non-motile and only 1 was motile. Based on that, Dr. L said we would be ushered right into IVF, but that didn't surprise us. Well, it scares us but it doesn't surprise us. I cannot describe to you how it felt to be told this. We were in utter shock, I was crying my eyes out and C couldn't stop smiling. We are so glad that we didn't stop with Dr. Nut's or Dr. Insensitive's advice to adopt b/c C is sterile. I am so happy that I didn't ignore my instinct and traveled 500 miles to get another opinion. I am so grateful that God didn't turn His back on me and gave us this break.
As excited as we are, we also know that 4 does not equal a baby and that sperm doesn't equal a successful IVF cycle. But, 4 is so much more than 0. 4 is amazing. 4 is a miracle. 4 is hope.
November 3, 2009
Changes
I've talked about my younger sister before, about how AF made her appearance the day of her baby shower, completely ruining it for me. This was in May and when I went home for the birth in June, AF made her appearance again. AF is such a stupid biatch and this is why we are no longer on speaking terms. AF has been MIA ever since but what do I expect from that asshat? Anyway, my sister was in an abusive relationship with the father that ended very badly recently. So, she's coming to live with us. My 21 year old sister and her 4 month old are going to be living with us. The "us" that is in the middle of the total crap that is azoospermia. Should be interesting. My sister and my mom assure me that it is temporary and I know that it is an emergency situation, so we don't mind. I just hope that I can keep my IF bitterness hidden while she's here. I'd do anything to protect my niece and my sister so here they come.
We're heading home tomorrow for a few days. Our second opinion appointment is Friday and we are anxiously awaiting it. It's all I can think about, so much so that I've been having baby dreams every night lately. Last night it was the cutest little girl named Ava Grace, which isn't a name we've ever been interested in, but there she was, my spitting image and cute as a button. The dream ended badly but in it, I was a mommmy and C was a daddy and our daughter was the most precious thing in the world. I just *know* that we're going to be parents and I can't wait to meet our child.
I hope these dreams are an indication of potential good news on Friday. I hope, with everything in me, that C is able to father children one day. So much is hinging on this appointment that it scares me. I don't want to pin all my hopes on this doctor b/c I'm very aware that there might be nothing he can do. I should be more cautious with my heart but I just can't help but have hope. Hope, because little Ava Grace also had her daddy's nose.
We're heading home tomorrow for a few days. Our second opinion appointment is Friday and we are anxiously awaiting it. It's all I can think about, so much so that I've been having baby dreams every night lately. Last night it was the cutest little girl named Ava Grace, which isn't a name we've ever been interested in, but there she was, my spitting image and cute as a button. The dream ended badly but in it, I was a mommmy and C was a daddy and our daughter was the most precious thing in the world. I just *know* that we're going to be parents and I can't wait to meet our child.
I hope these dreams are an indication of potential good news on Friday. I hope, with everything in me, that C is able to father children one day. So much is hinging on this appointment that it scares me. I don't want to pin all my hopes on this doctor b/c I'm very aware that there might be nothing he can do. I should be more cautious with my heart but I just can't help but have hope. Hope, because little Ava Grace also had her daddy's nose.
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