Let's Hear it for the Boy[s]

Our appointment with Dr. Nuts was interesting, we liked him. I was able to be present for the entire appointment, which was fun during the physical exam. I'm impressed that I didn't start giggling like a 14 year old schoolboy or make any inappropriate jokes in front of Dr. Nuts. Yes, I do love crude humor and I know that I laugh at things that mainly teenage boys laugh at and my mind is in the gutter about 80% of the time, but isn't C a lucky man?! Usually he's right there with me, laughing his ass off but I was smart enough to wait on the jokes until the doctor left the room.

Dr. Nuts is astonished that a 26 year old healthy man had a zero SA. He thinks it must be a fluke and ordered two more SAs, one to be done this Monday and the other on the 10th. He also took a ton of blood and told us to expect the results by Monday. He went over the possible reasons for azoospermia and further testing. C told the doctor, "Let's do every test possible. I want to exhaust every option." aww, I love this man so much! C is taking all this in stride and is very optimistic about everything, I wish I could have his strength. I'm not as depressed anymore about it but I've been praying a lot so I think that is what is helping me. Plus, knowing that we have others praying for us helps a lot too.

Dr. Nuts did mention the possibility of a tumor on the pituitary gland, he said it would be benign but the thought alone freaks me out. I've googled and talked to my SIL, who is an RN, and I'm doubtful there is a tumor. Way to freak out the IF couple though Dr. Nuts! I am very anxious to get answers and to find out if there are any sperm, anywhere in C's testicles. I'm pretty impatient but now I have a real reason to push the doctors even more. We just found out that C will be leaving for 6 weeks to complete some training and he leaves in about two weeks. He'll only be three hours away but he has to stay there and it's in another state so it looks like everything will be put on hold until he returns. This makes me sad and very annoyed but C will get a pay raise when he returns, which will come in handy for either IVF or adoption costs.

I hate to put our TTC efforts on hold and all I can think is that it's becoming less and less likely that we will become parents in 2010, which was my hope. I really dread hitting that 2 year mark in April and not being pregnant. Oh man, why can't our journey to parenthood be just a little easier?

relaxation

Our beach getaway was wonderful and just want we needed! IF crossed my mind exactly twice and other then that, I was blissfully happy. Even C relaxed and had a great time, I was so happy to see him goofing around and playing in the water. The weekend went by way too fast and a couple of sunburns later, we're back home waiting for our appointment this Thursday. A follow-up SA will be done this week as well but I'm not stressing over it. I'm actually not stressing over the urologist appointment either and C is ready for it to be over. We are both just ready to know what is going on, if we can do anything about it and what lies ahead for us. It sucks being in this limbo of not knowing if a biological child is in store for us.

The drive to Texas takes us 8 hours and we were about 30 minutes from our destination, when out of the blue, C told me that he'd love to adopt a child. I was floored and immediately burst into tears. All week, my mind has been turning more and more to adoption and to hear him say that, just made my heart overflow with happiness. We had discussed donor sperm and decided that we didn't want to go that route and when I first brought up adoption, C wasn't willing to consider it. His change of heart means the world to me. So, this means that if we hear devastating news on Thursday, while we will grieve over the loss of our chance to have biological children, it isn't the end for us. One day, we will be parents.

Mixed Feelings

My HSG was this morning and I didn't sleep a wink last night. My mind was too busy swirling around with worse case scenarios and horrible outcomes. It didn't help that C was working OOT, he's in the oilfield and works long hours. Eventually I gave up on sleep and started googling azoospermia, my new favorite thing to do. Ugh, why am I torturing myself? Anyway, luckily my appt was at 8am and I was back home and in bed by 10! It was painful and very awkward but I'm glad we did it. Dr. Insensitive (my gyno) was there and while it comforting that it would be her staring at my lady parts, it was also hard because all I wanted to do was throat-punch her for telling me that my husband is sterile. They tell me that my uterus and tubes are "beautifully open" to which I replied, "Yay, now let's fix my husband!" Which caused Dr. Insensitive to raise her eyebrows and walk out the room. Bitch, that is why I have found an RE!

Thankfully there are a couple of options in AR for me and I'm waiting on the results of C's urologist appt to make my own with a RE. So much hinges on C's appt that it makes me want to vomit when I think about it. Carlos isn't handling it too well either. He gets really sad, especially at night but we were finally able to both cry about it. I have seen C cry maybe 5 times in the almost 10 years of our relationship and it made me so mad that IF is causing him so much pain too. When I called him with the all clear results of my HSG, he got really quiet and I knew that he was thinking, "wow it really is me" so I told him "but we don't even know if I ovulate on my own yet! it's not just you!" I laugh about that now because IF make us say the oddest things to each other now. Our conversations used to be about our weekend plans, plans for the house, travel, etc and now they are about SAs, PCOS, fertility meds and doctor appts. I wish this was all just a bad dream that I could wake up from.

We're headed to the coast of TX this weekend to spend some time with our families and I can't wait to put some distance between us and IF. We really need some time to forget and gear up for whatever the urologist finds or doesn't find next week. See? I just fought back the urge to vomit. Have I ever said how much I hate IF?

Hope Floats

Spent all weekend crying and feeling quite sorry for myself and C. He was OOT until Sunday afternoon and seeing him made all the difference! We've talked, and argued a bit, about all this crappy news and what to do next. C is refusing to be pessimistic about the zero SA, tells me that until they tell him there is no more tests, procedures or chances in hell, that he won't believe we can't conceive a child. He rarely talks about it or beings it up. He did turn to me earlier and ask me how I'd feel about him if there is nothing, ever. I hugged him and told him that as much as I want a baby with him, I also just plain want him, no matter what.

I've morphed into this bitter, crazy IF monster. I scowl at pregnant women, ignore people with babies and change the channel when anything baby related pops up on TV. And this is just since Friday! I've only been to Target, Wal-Mart and Hallmark, can you imagine the mega-bitch I can potentially turn into?! I was jerking my cart around at Target on Sunday, wanting someone to make me mad so I could go batshitcrazy on them. I'm going to the gym tomorrow and taking my feelings out on the treadmill. I'm sure it'll make me feel better.

C's optimism is contagious and I do feel hopeful. I have hope that we will be able to conceive a child but it's a struggle to not let the negativity take me over. I have moments where it hits me all over again and I just feel so depressed. All I want to do is make someone hurt as badly as I do. It helps that my HSG is scheduled for this Thursday and he has an appt with a urologist next Thursday. A follow-up SA will also be next week. I pray like mad that there is sperm, anywhere in his manly parts, that we can use for IUI or IVF. Seriously, praying is about the only thing I can do these past few days. It's even making me forget to be nervous about my HSG.

and then it all comes crashing down

Yesterday just might have been the worst day of my life. My doctor called and told me that the SA had zero sperm, she actually said, "Sorry but your husband is sterile." My world spun out of control and I cried for hours. C wasn't home, he is working OOT, but luckily a friend was here visiting so I wasn't alone. Calling and telling C was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to do. He took it all in stride and seems to be in denial. Demanding second and third opinions, which I'm actually demanding fourth and fifth opinions. I am still shocked but haven't cried all day, yet anyway. I just can't wait for C to get here so that we can hold each other and cry together.

We're going to do a follow-up SA and make an appt with a urologist. I'm also going to start seeing an RE, I'm too pissed at my gyno to continue seeing her. She actually implied that doing the HSG would be a waste of time, you know, since my husband is shooting blanks and all. I'm going to a vitamin store today and buying everything I can get my hands on for C. I've been googling like mad and my mind is loaded with all kinds of information that I wish I didn't have to deal with. I can't even express how devastated I feel, how it feels like all our baby dreams have gone up in smoke and how scared I am about what effect this will have on our marriage. I don't think I can stomach being around babies or pregnant women anymore.

Mainly, I keep thinking, "WHY?" Why in the hell is this happening to us? Why couldn't this just be IF on my part? Why C too? He's the nicest person I know, such a sweetheart and this is just all so wrong. I can't imagine what lies ahead for us now but, Lord do I hope it includes a baby.

3 Years and IF later...

Our wedding anniversary was this past week, three years already. Wow, it went by so fast and now here we are. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that this is the road we would be taking. When your planning and dreaming of your future, you never contemplate that things might go to shit. We have accomplished a lot in our short marriage but it's what is unattainable that is killing us. I sit here, on an anniversary high, knowing that AF will be arriving in the next couple of days. Talk about a buzz kill! Still awaiting the SA results and to schedule my HSG, fun times ahead. But, enough IF crap, I want to be sappy about my husband!


C is my best friend, he never fails to make me laugh my ass off and he is always willing to take part in my crazy schemes. He usually just grins and bares whatever I end up getting us into. He loves adventure just as much a I do and we have as much in common as we don't. I wish we weren't dealing with IF but I can't imagine a better partner in this journey then C. Here's to the next 50 years, can't wait to see what lies ahead!

More tests

My big appointment was Monday, the one that I was super anxious and excited for. I barely slept the night before because I was a bundle of nerves and I am so glad that C went with me. It was a quick visit with Dr. J, she ordered a semen analysis (SA) for C and a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) for me. After the HSG is done, we are going to stop the prometrium for a cycle to see if I can have a period on my own. I'm not happy about potentially wasting a cycle but what else can we do? C asked the doctor what more we could be doing to help us and she told us, "Just keep doing it." We laughed about that afterward! We're learning, that sometimes, having sex isn't the easiest way to conceive a child.

The SA was collected this morning and dropped off at the lab within 20 minutes of collection and we are very nervous to get the results. C was so shy about the whole thing, it was cute. I hate that he had to but at this point, whatever it takes! We're praying that everything comes back normal. Next up is the HSG, once AF arrives next week I'm to call and schedule the procedure. It seems pretty harmless but I'm a natural worrywart so of course this is stressing me out. I'll be happy to get it done and to get the results of both tests.

It all seems very surreal to me. I can't believe I'm dealing with IF and talking about HSGs and SAs. As I hear myself say these words, it just sounds so odd. It makes me wonder if soon I'll be talking about IUIs and IVFs. I've dealt with talking about Clomid and other type drugs but haven't really contemplated what it will be like if we have to move beyond that to more invasive methods. Having PCOS has brought this whole new world into my life, one that I wish I never had to deal with. But, God has led us down this path for a reason and I have faith that this path ends in us having a family.

Happy 4th of July!

I love all holidays, I tend to go overboard for them but it's just so much fun to celebrate! We're having BBQ, beer and fireworks tomorrow with friends and family, I can't wait. My ILs decided, at the last minute, to drive up here and spend the weekend with us so I've been frantically cleaning. Carlos has been off all week so it's been nice to just hang out with him and to put his butt to work helping me clean! He's been a good sport about it and he's looking forward to spending some time with his parents. I'm not as happy about it but at least my MIL will cook for us while she's here, nobody can cook Mexican food like she can!

Monday is my big follow-up appt with my gyno to discuss our next step. I am super anxious and excited to move on in our IF journey. C is going with me to the appt and I'm happy that he'll be there to help calm my nerves. I think he's excited too but he doesn't like to talk much about all this so I try not to push him. I have a really good feeling about the next few months! I hope there's a BFP in the coming weeks!